Why??

Getting ready this morning, I got thinking about why I am the way I am. This got me looking back to my childhood and it was sort of interesting (at least in my mind). So here it is…..Part I at least..lol

For most of my life, I have been a major tomboy. In fact, for at least some of my pre-teen years, I’m pretty sure I actually wanted to be a boy. Btw, around that time there was a TV show that featured two guys who had to dress as women in order to live in this apartment building. Ironically, the name of one of the guys when he was dressed as his “sister” is my given first and last name. I remember thinking (and saying) that I felt just like him but that I couldn’t change back into my “guy clothes”.

Anyway, as a little kid (pre-school age), I had at least a few stereotypical girl habits/things/etc. I know for a fact that I had at least one doll (a Mrs. Beasley doll of course). My mother could occasionally get me into dresses and such (as long as they weren’t itchy!!). I did wear barrettes in my hair (according to our neighbor that was they only way they realized I was a girl). My favorite book was about a ballerina.

As I got older, I became more and more of a tomboy. I remember thinking that boys had it made. They didn’t have to wear dresses and tights (just ties..big whoop); they could go outside without a shirt on; and didn’t have to sit with their legs closed. I didn’t think it was fair that I had to do those things just because I was a girl. One summer around 1st or 2nd grade, I remember deciding that I was going to wear jeans all summer no shorts for me. In my mind (but not so much reality…lol), boys didn’t wear shorts and I had to be ready to jump off the 2nd floor of our shed, walk through bushes, etc.

When I was getting ready to make my First Communion (2nd grade), I told my teacher (Sister ??) that I was going to wear pants for First Communion. You can imagine how well this went over. Anyway, she ended up slipping on some ice over Christmas break and we had a substitute teacher for the rest of the year. Over the summer, when visiting the convent with my Mom and Grandma, I got to see Sister ?? again. The first words out of her mouth were “You didn’t wear pants for First Communion, did you?” Obviously I made an impression. :D

To be continued…..

Per CardioGirl's request

I uploaded up handwriting sample to google docs for your viewing pleasure (displeasure) ;)

The original is acutally on engineering paper (green with grid lines) but that didn't come through on the scan. Sorry for doing it this way, I couldn't figure out how to get it to a different format and I had to leave. If I figure it out I'll switch it later. You should not need to log in or anything to open the document.

http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B-_vdmKLqwluMTY1ODA4NmItNjc0ZC00NDU2LTgyZTktM2JiYzViZGEyNjgz&hl=en

D Day!!

Wow, I can't believe it! In less than 48 hours, I actually will be starting the bar exam! WTF was I thinking....LOL

The insanity will go as follows: Monday - drive to Saratoga Springs, NY for the NY and MBE* portions; Tuesday - NY Specific portion (essays and a few multiple choice); Wednesday - the joy of the MBE* on Wednesday (2 3hour sessions of 100 multiple choice, fill in the dot questions each), ; Wednesday night drive back to NJ and stay at friends house closer to Thursday location; Thursday - NJ Specific part (essays); Thursday night through Sunday: Drink, sleep, celebrate, recuperate, wonder why on earth I decided to do this law thing, and start to wonder what I'm going to do with all this free time I will have!!

I really can't get over the fact that I'm at this point. I remember back when I first started thinking about the possibility of going to law school. It seemed liked such a far off fantasy that I would never get to. Now look at me, graduated law school and sitting for the bar exam....rather surreal!!

What I'm struggling with now is whether or not I am ready for the test. Honestly I don't really know. As a student, I tend to do pretty well with very little work or study. However, the bar exam is not like anything I've ever taken before. We are responsible for knowing essentially NY law (21 subjects), NJ law (1 subject in addition to the subjects on the MBE) and the MBE law (6-8 subjects depending how who group them). It's nuts! All the sections primarily focus on the exceptions to the general rules. Who ever came up with the idea of the bar exam really must have enjoyed inflicting pain on others...lol I have actually studied for this exam, which is pretty shocking if you know me. I've probably put in more hours studying for this exam than the combined total number of hours I've spent studying for all other tests in my life. (I'm pretty lucky that I test well and if I understand something I tend to retain it). However, compared to the majority of people I know taking the exam, I've maybe only done about 1/5 of what they have done on average. Hopefully it will be enough and yes there will be a fair amount of last minute review/cramming in the next day or so. As well as a fair amount of procrastination and avoidance (re this post...lol). :)

I know I am totally capable of passing both bar exams and that I should! I really do want to pass both! However, there's this part of me that says I may not. Is it fear? Common sense? My subconscious' way of telling me I'm not ready? A defense mechanism to protect me in the event I don't pass? ???? I have no idea whatsoever. I guess as long as I don't let that doubt take over I think I should be ok.

Well that's enough for now. Oh I forgot to mention the absolute best part of this whole thing....we don't find out if we passed until approximately mid November! Yeah, that right frickin' NOVEMBER!!!! WTF



*Multi-State Bar Exam - Both NY & NJ use it as part of their bar exam score

Life's amazing isn't it?

Wow...I can't believe it....I'm 40!!!

I'm not one who normally tells everyone that it's my birthday but for some reason this year I have been telling any and everyone. If I talk to you for at least 10 minutes or so, it's bound to come up...lol. Obviously, this 40 thing is really kinda of freaking me out!! Not really in a bad way, just shocking I guess. I think it has to do with all the changes going on in my life right now. Which leads me to my next topic.....

I turned in my final law school assignment ever!!! Except for a few hours of clinic work doing some basic administrative stuff, I AM DONE WITH LAW SCHOOL!!!!! I really can't believe that either. When I started, I couldn't imagine finishing. It seemed like it would take forever and many times over the last four years it has felt like forever. Now that I'm here, I can't comprehend that I'm actually done.

Well that's all for now. Back to work, so I can get out of here and go celebrate the last law school Thursday night out...and of course the big 40. Since I've told so many people, I'm assuming a fair number of people will show up. :D

Who Knew??

Sorry for not posting in a while but my life is currently absolute chaos!!! Between school, work, my volunteer job, my life, my BF's life and a few other fiascos it is all I can do to make it through the week. The crazy part is that although this is by far the busiest I've ever been and I actually kind of enjoy parts of it. SShhh...Don't tell anyone...lol. I'm actually thinking I may enjoy this law thing. Also, I've also realized that although I tend to avoid conflict, I love to argue. Of course, I've also realized that my love of argument comes as no surprise to anyone other than me! Yes self awareness doesn't tend to be one of my strong suits.

I'm down to 2 weeks of law school (and my thirties) left. I can't believe it. In some ways time has flown by in other ways it seems like I've been doing this forever. Once classes are over, I have about a month before graduation. I don't know what I will do with all the free time! But I do know that I will enjoy myself!! After graduation, the real fun will start...BAR/BRI. For those of you not familiar with Bar/Bri, it's a bar preparation course that you pay to teach you how to pass the bar. Now mind you, you pay for this class after having paid a ridiculous amount of money to go to law school, which apparently doesn't teach you how to pass the test you must pass to become a lawyer. It's ridiculous and it's going to be he$%. Since I can't take 2 months off of work, I will work all day and then go to class from 6-10 every night. Bar/bri's advice is that for every hour you spend in their classes, you are supposed to study twice that on your own. The recommend about 10 hours a day of study...WTF!!!! I've never studied anywhere in the same universe as 10 hours a day.

All I can say is that this will be very, very interesting. Assuming I don't jump off a cliff in the meantime, I will be taking the NY and NJ bars the last week of July. After that who knows?? Anyone looking to hire an attorney?? :D

Joining the Game

Well, I have officially chosen to accept the mission of killing Fluffy. People have always told me that it gets much harder to lose weight after forty. Apparently my body has been listening! Since I will turn forty in a couple of weeks and I haven't done anything about Fluffy , my body decided to stage an all out revolt to get my attention: chest pains, hiatal hernia, knee pain, etc. (absolute craziness!! but it is working out ok). Well you don't have to beat me over the head (well at least not more than 40 or 50 times...lol) to get my attention.

It's been 2 full days since I've started. I've actually managed to eat some fruits and/or vegetables each day without having my body go into shock. Also, I've dramatically cut back my eating to a much more reasonable level! Since I'm under a major time crunch right now, I'm starting with tiny baby steps in regards to exercise. My plan is to do some sort of physical activity (even if it's just 5 minutes on the elliptical) at least twice each weekend. Once I'm done with school in mid April, I will pick up the exercise. After graduation (yes it's almost here), the exercise will likely drop back down due to my bar prep classes. Then after the bar (end of July) I will get back in the exercise groove.

I put together a rough outline of my goal weights along the path: 3/31 - 280, 5/31 - 250, 8/31 - 235, 11/30 - 205 and 2/28 - 175. This is a little aggressive, especially at first. However, since I'm only 5' 5" and about 290, the first 20-50 lbs should go fairly easily. I cut myself some slack during bar review. I don't really know what my final goal weight is. I should be somewhere in the 140-150 range for my height. But right now I just want to get under 200 and able to shop in places besides Big Girlz R Us. Hopefully by this time next year, Fluffy will be dead!!!

Sorry to throw all this at you, but I'm hoping by writing this and putting it out into the universe I will feel more accountable and dedicated. Thanks for your support!!

Vindication!!

At school I'm notorious for my ability to play games on my laptop or doodle during lectures and yet still be able to participate in the class. My friends are always commenting on how one minute I'm playing solitare seemingly not paying attention and then suddenly I raise my hand and ask an on point question or respond to something the prof just said. I try to explain that it's like there are two parts of my brain. I must keep the one section distracted by games or doodling and then the other part can pay attention to the lecture. They just shake their heads at me when I say this, but it turns out there might be something to it. Time magazine recently ran an article about how doodlers seem to retain more information than non-doodlers.

"Why does doodling aid memory? Andrade offers several theories, but the most persuasive is that when you doodle, you don't daydream. Daydreaming may seem absentminded and pointless, but it actually demands a lot of the brain's processing power. You start daydreaming about a vacation, which leads you to think about potential destinations, how you would pay for the trip, whether you could get the flight upgraded, how you might score a bigger hotel room. These cognitions require what psychologists call "executive functioning" — for example, planning for the future and comparing costs and benefits.

Doodling, in contrast, requires very few executive resources but just enough cognitive effort to keep you from daydreaming, which — if unchecked — will jump-start activity in cortical networks that will keep you from remembering what's going on. Doodling forces your brain to expend just enough energy to stop it from daydreaming but not so much that you don't pay attention." (http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1882127,00.html?iref=werecommend)

So, there is a method to my madness after all...lol
Doodlers of the world unite!!

Why not.

Over the past few years, I have been trying to learn more about myself and why I live my life the way I do. In particular, why do I seem to need to keep carry this extra and ever increasing amount of weight around with me. It seems to my therapist and me that I must be getting some sort of pay-off by keeping on the weight. Listed below are a few of the many possible reasons why I might be doing this. Please note that I am still actively working on all the items below, this post is just to help me explore these issues in a new way. Plus it provides another glimpse into how my mind works or doesn't work...lol

1) A big part of my personality is my desire to be a "bad ass" (to quote my therapist). I really don't want to be like everyone else. While my name is rather unique and I have a few unique traits, I'm not nearly as different as I like to think I am. However, my weight is an obvious sign to the world that I am not just one of the masses. While rationally this doesn't really make any sense, some deep down part of me seems to believe that if I'm not quite brave enough to rebel in more constructive ways at least I can rebel by being extremely overweight.

2) In the same vein as the "bad ass" desire, I also really, really don't like to be told what to do, especially if the reason is because I'm a female, young, or other such nonsense. The more that people tell me to do something, the less likely I am to do it, even if I rationally know it is in my best interest. I refer to this as my 3 year old streak. Out of this misguided sense of spite, I do alot of things that I know I shouldn't do. I also realize that I would probably be happier if I didn't do them, yet I continue doing them. All of my family and friends and even my boyfriend, have expressed their concerns about my weight. Knowing how I am, they are careful to try to express their concerns without coming across as telling me what to do. Yet my inner 3 year old rises up and sticks out her tongue at them saying "You can't make me do that...I'll show you. You think I'm fat now, I'll show you what fat really is!". I've learned to talk my 3 year old down, but she has very quick reflexes and that spiteful reaction is unfortunately still my default reaction.

3) It might also be that the fear of change has not yet exceeded the pain of being this way. My problem with this theory is that I am good with change in alot of ways. I joined the Peace Corps and moved to Nepal, I'm going to law school to change my career, and I moved to TX and NJ by myself to name a few. However, I am not quite as good with changing me.

4) Saying that I am not good at dealing with my emotions is a major understatement. My therapist noticed that no matter what type of emotional situation I am describing I tend to laugh while I'm doing it. It's like I feel safe talking about emotional stuff only as long as I "cut the tension" with some sort of laugh. Mind you, it's not a deep down belly laugh but more of a nervous giggle. My weight essentially acts as my own personal shield to protect me from emotions. It keeps my feelings in and the "bad stuff" out. To finally lose this weight and keep it off, I'm going to have to come up with more effective ways of dealing with my emotions. Because no matter how much I might want to be Vulcan and not have emotions, I'm not and as a result, I have to deal with those d#mn things.

Well that's enough exploring of the deep dark bowels of my brain. I promise I won't be this serious in all my posts. Thanks for listening/reading. Peace

And away we go!

CardioGirl and Natural finally got to me and I've decided to venture into the blogosphere as a blogger and not just blogger wannabe. :)

As you might have picked up over on CG's site, I'm a very big person. Right now, I'm 39 years old, about 290 lbs and only 5'5". Trust me; this is not anywhere I ever planned to be. As a kid I was always a little bigger than most of my friends but not to the degree that I am now. I was tall through 7th grade and probably about 130ish. I was about 165 when I graduated high school. I was always a jock though and a drummer in the marching band. Not the best athlete but I dreamed of being the first woman in the NBA...lol. Quick comment, the doctor told my parent's I should be 5'10" to 6' tall. Yeah right, I hit 5'5" and started growing out instead of up.

I put on some weight in college but never got over 200 and never imagined that I would/could. I probably picked up a little weight during my marriage. My husband would make comments about my weight and try to get me to diet. He had some insane ideas as well. He wanted to control my eating, he would “let” me have a vanilla or strawberry milkshake but not chocolate. There’s only about 20-50 calories difference but it probably had more to do about me only liking chocolate shakes and him wanting to control me. Needless to say, he and I divorced. The next few years are when I put on serious weight.

Regardless of my weight, I've always considered myself a jock. Even now, I still think that way. When I first got up to about 260, I started taking phentermine and signed up for Tae Kwon Do. It was rough at first, but I really enjoyed it. I love being able to beat people up without hurting them...lol Anyway, after about 2 years I got within 2 ranks of my black belt and down to 190ish. I planned to stay there but as it so often goes, things changed. I moved and had to stop TKD. I eventually put back on all that weight and then some, with a lot of ups and downs in between.

Right now, I know I'm dangerously overweight and it does impact my daily life. I notice the glances and reactions of people. I try not to let it bother me but I know it does have an impact. Having to ask for a seat belt extender on a plane is humiliating. Even though the attendants try to be discrete, people still notice. Having to look for chairs without arms and table tops, not booths, at restaurants is not the way I envisioned living. The worst was going to see a local production of HSM with my boyfriend’s nephew and not being able to fit in the balcony seat no matter what I did. It was an old theater and the seat’s were tiny, even average sized people were uncomfortable. I had to give up and ask if there was somewhere else we could sit. I ended up in the handicapped section. I was so humiliated.

I have developed a kind of warped self defense mechanism to deal with my weight (and other) issues. I joke about my weight all the time and constantly put myself down. I guess I am being the fat, jolly sidekick (see I’m even doing it now…lol). After several years of therapy, I’ve started to realize that part of the reason I may be doing this is to essentially make a preemptive strike. If jokes, comments etc are going to be made at least I’m the one making them. I told you it was warped! I’ve noticed that my comments often make other people uncomfortable, yet I still do it. I’ve gotten better but can’t seem to totally get past it.

So now, the question on everyone's mind is “why don't you do something about it?” Well, trying to put some drama into my writing, I will save that for my second post... To be continued.