And away we go!

CardioGirl and Natural finally got to me and I've decided to venture into the blogosphere as a blogger and not just blogger wannabe. :)

As you might have picked up over on CG's site, I'm a very big person. Right now, I'm 39 years old, about 290 lbs and only 5'5". Trust me; this is not anywhere I ever planned to be. As a kid I was always a little bigger than most of my friends but not to the degree that I am now. I was tall through 7th grade and probably about 130ish. I was about 165 when I graduated high school. I was always a jock though and a drummer in the marching band. Not the best athlete but I dreamed of being the first woman in the NBA...lol. Quick comment, the doctor told my parent's I should be 5'10" to 6' tall. Yeah right, I hit 5'5" and started growing out instead of up.

I put on some weight in college but never got over 200 and never imagined that I would/could. I probably picked up a little weight during my marriage. My husband would make comments about my weight and try to get me to diet. He had some insane ideas as well. He wanted to control my eating, he would “let” me have a vanilla or strawberry milkshake but not chocolate. There’s only about 20-50 calories difference but it probably had more to do about me only liking chocolate shakes and him wanting to control me. Needless to say, he and I divorced. The next few years are when I put on serious weight.

Regardless of my weight, I've always considered myself a jock. Even now, I still think that way. When I first got up to about 260, I started taking phentermine and signed up for Tae Kwon Do. It was rough at first, but I really enjoyed it. I love being able to beat people up without hurting them...lol Anyway, after about 2 years I got within 2 ranks of my black belt and down to 190ish. I planned to stay there but as it so often goes, things changed. I moved and had to stop TKD. I eventually put back on all that weight and then some, with a lot of ups and downs in between.

Right now, I know I'm dangerously overweight and it does impact my daily life. I notice the glances and reactions of people. I try not to let it bother me but I know it does have an impact. Having to ask for a seat belt extender on a plane is humiliating. Even though the attendants try to be discrete, people still notice. Having to look for chairs without arms and table tops, not booths, at restaurants is not the way I envisioned living. The worst was going to see a local production of HSM with my boyfriend’s nephew and not being able to fit in the balcony seat no matter what I did. It was an old theater and the seat’s were tiny, even average sized people were uncomfortable. I had to give up and ask if there was somewhere else we could sit. I ended up in the handicapped section. I was so humiliated.

I have developed a kind of warped self defense mechanism to deal with my weight (and other) issues. I joke about my weight all the time and constantly put myself down. I guess I am being the fat, jolly sidekick (see I’m even doing it now…lol). After several years of therapy, I’ve started to realize that part of the reason I may be doing this is to essentially make a preemptive strike. If jokes, comments etc are going to be made at least I’m the one making them. I told you it was warped! I’ve noticed that my comments often make other people uncomfortable, yet I still do it. I’ve gotten better but can’t seem to totally get past it.

So now, the question on everyone's mind is “why don't you do something about it?” Well, trying to put some drama into my writing, I will save that for my second post... To be continued.