Over the past few years, I have been trying to learn more about myself and why I live my life the way I do. In particular, why do I seem to need to keep carry this extra and ever increasing amount of weight around with me. It seems to my therapist and me that I must be getting some sort of pay-off by keeping on the weight. Listed below are a few of the many possible reasons why I might be doing this. Please note that I am still actively working on all the items below, this post is just to help me explore these issues in a new way. Plus it provides another glimpse into how my mind works or doesn't work...lol
1) A big part of my personality is my desire to be a "bad ass" (to quote my therapist). I really don't want to be like everyone else. While my name is rather unique and I have a few unique traits, I'm not nearly as different as I like to think I am. However, my weight is an obvious sign to the world that I am not just one of the masses. While rationally this doesn't really make any sense, some deep down part of me seems to believe that if I'm not quite brave enough to rebel in more constructive ways at least I can rebel by being extremely overweight.
2) In the same vein as the "bad ass" desire, I also really, really don't like to be told what to do, especially if the reason is because I'm a female, young, or other such nonsense. The more that people tell me to do something, the less likely I am to do it, even if I rationally know it is in my best interest. I refer to this as my 3 year old streak. Out of this misguided sense of spite, I do alot of things that I know I shouldn't do. I also realize that I would probably be happier if I didn't do them, yet I continue doing them. All of my family and friends and even my boyfriend, have expressed their concerns about my weight. Knowing how I am, they are careful to try to express their concerns without coming across as telling me what to do. Yet my inner 3 year old rises up and sticks out her tongue at them saying "You can't make me do that...I'll show you. You think I'm fat now, I'll show you what fat really is!". I've learned to talk my 3 year old down, but she has very quick reflexes and that spiteful reaction is unfortunately still my default reaction.
3) It might also be that the fear of change has not yet exceeded the pain of being this way. My problem with this theory is that I am good with change in alot of ways. I joined the Peace Corps and moved to Nepal, I'm going to law school to change my career, and I moved to TX and NJ by myself to name a few. However, I am not quite as good with changing me.
4) Saying that I am not good at dealing with my emotions is a major understatement. My therapist noticed that no matter what type of emotional situation I am describing I tend to laugh while I'm doing it. It's like I feel safe talking about emotional stuff only as long as I "cut the tension" with some sort of laugh. Mind you, it's not a deep down belly laugh but more of a nervous giggle. My weight essentially acts as my own personal shield to protect me from emotions. It keeps my feelings in and the "bad stuff" out. To finally lose this weight and keep it off, I'm going to have to come up with more effective ways of dealing with my emotions. Because no matter how much I might want to be Vulcan and not have emotions, I'm not and as a result, I have to deal with those d#mn things.
Well that's enough exploring of the deep dark bowels of my brain. I promise I won't be this serious in all my posts. Thanks for listening/reading. Peace
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
YES! I beat Natural!
ReplyDeleteOkay, now that I've cheated to secure spot number one, I shall comment on the post. (Sticks tongue out at Natural and says in her best Simpsons impression, "Ha, ha.")
ReplyDeleteI noticed in the first reason you said, "part of me seems to believe..." and I wondered if I interpreted that correctly. You sounded somewhat skeptical as if your therapist threw that out and you are questioning what you think of it.
Is that correct or are you feeling that yes that's accurate and you're trying to understand why that part feels the way it does?
I have found certain things in therapy just hit me in the head and cause a huge emotional reaction. And even though I may not have thought of that, I know it's true deep down because of my strong reaction.
On the other hand, I have heard my therapist throw out thoughts and they just don't ring true to me. That's what I thought you were saying.
Funny you say you attempt to be Vulcan because that's what I try to do, since it has always been valued in my original family (parents/siblings) but I was never able to do it. Lots of messed up/negative consequences because of that but the desire to suppress emotions is still very strong.
It's hard to change those pathways of thinking, isn't it?
Last but not least, I do find the serious stuff as interesting as the light-hearted stuff, so whatever comes outta your brain is cool with me.
did you really beat me cardiogirl? muhahahahah.
ReplyDeleteum i have tons of questions buf - that's just my personality. i'm the "why" girl, i like explanations and reasons. i guess i like stripping 'why' down to the bone until it's naked, cold and exposed. a little annoying, but i do it. anywho...
you wrote: "A big part of my personality is my desire to be a "bad ass"."
my question is....drum roll please. why?
did anything happen in your life where you felt powerless as a child or as an adult? something where you gave up control over who you are and now you're taking it back by being a "bad ass" or are you gaining weight to hurt someone by hurting yourself? does this make sense?
what does a bad ass accomplish or do? i'm guess rebel against authority, but why? because you're 3 years old? well i know you're not 3, but i don't understand.
and you're in new jersey? i'm in new jersey. hello neighbor. i'm waving at you from the kitchen window.
anywho, very interesting stuff here.
Thanks for stopping by and for the encouragement. I too am a bad ass. I don't know why but feeling powerless at some point as natural suggests might have something to do with it. Anyway, I'm glad you're writing!
ReplyDeleteSorry for taking so long to respond. My life is rather crazy right now between work, school, volunteer work and on and on....
ReplyDeleteCG - No, my reference to "part of me" wasn't one of those situations where what my therapist suggested didn't ring true. It's more that I know there is some sort of subconscious belief there that contradicts what I say I want. But I haven't been able to figure out exactly what it is, hence the slightly fuzzy language. I feel like there's this hidden light switch deep in the recesses of my mind. If I could only find the dang thing then I would finally get why I don't get my words and my actions to agree.
And yes, trying to change those neural pathways is a royal pain!! I could really use Mr. Spock's or even Deeana Troi's (empath) assistance...lol I thought you didn't like Star Trek?? Btw, did you ever see the Next Generation episode where this little boy starts trying to be like Data? The boy's parents had been killed and he decided to be emotionless like Data to deal with it....I understand so well and I'm sure you do too.
Natural - Hey neighbor!! Waving at you from the top of RU-Newark Law School.
As to why I want to be a bad ass. I've always had a very independant streak in me even since childhood, so some of it is definitely just a part of me. In regards to the self injuring extreme, I can't come up with any specific episodes where I felt all that powerless. I know I often felt that I was forced to do things just because I was a girl (for example wear skirts, sit "ladylike", etc). However, I did alot of non-girl stuff as well. So I don't think that is the reason. When I was in high school my parents put my dog to sleep without telling me while I was away at bandcamp. There are definitely issues related to that incident that still affect me. I tend to think that I was too old at that time (17ish) for it to have such a fundamental impact on me. Plus I already had alot of these traits prior to then. But maybe it just sent me even further along the path. I definitely felt like I lost part of myself during my marriage and I am still trying to get that back. Maybe I am punishing myself for being stupid enough marry him or not leave earlier. I'm going to have to think about that some more. Thanks for the insight.
AimeeP- Welcome fellow bad ass! Good luck with everything. Like I said if you have any lawschool questions let me know.
I can't decide which is more interesting -- your post or the conversation it is inspiring here in the studio. Not sure what you're callin' it in here, the Lounge, the DJ Booth, the After Party, etc.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I was forced to watch some of those old ST episodes back in the 70s because of my nerd sister and brother. Still hated it, but I know some of the original main characters. Let's see what I can dig up off the top of my head:
Spock, Kirk, Uhuru (sp?) McCoy, Scotty, damn that's more than I would guess I knew. Who was the doctor who always said, "Damn it Jim." Was that Dr. McCoy?
I have heard of Data he had pasty white skin and was sort of like a robot, right? Definitely no emotions and yeah, I can totally relate to that episode.
Oops, but I never saw any of the new episodes, The New Generation, right? So to answer the original question no I never saw that episode about the boy who lost his parents, but it sounds interesting considering my "issues."
ReplyDeleteGolly it's amazing what you learn without realizing it. Wasn't there a guy on the new one who wore a banana clip sideways for glasses named Jordy? Why do I know this?
Wow CG you are almost a trekkie...lol
ReplyDeleteYou got the majority of the regular TOS (The Original Series) characters, you're only missing Sulu and Chekov. Yes it was Dr. McCoy that always said Damn it Jim......as in "Damn it Jim, I'm a Doctor not a bricklayer" when he had to treat a silicon based creature. Btw, he ended up making a concrete "bandage" for the creature, a Horta.
It's ST - The Next Generation (you were close). Data had pasty white skin and was an android (fancy robot that was self aware but without emotions, until he eventually got an emotion chip that he only put in a few times). Yes Jordy wore a visor (essentially a sideways banana clip) since he was blind and the visor made it possible for him to see and then some. You know all this because Star Trek is life itself...lol Nah, you probably picked it up from commercials and movie previews. Also, Jordy was played by LeVar Burton of Reading Rainbow and Roots fame. So you might have gotten info on him somewhere else.