Over the past few years, I have been trying to learn more about myself and why I live my life the way I do. In particular, why do I seem to need to keep carry this extra and ever increasing amount of weight around with me. It seems to my therapist and me that I must be getting some sort of pay-off by keeping on the weight. Listed below are a few of the many possible reasons why I might be doing this. Please note that I am still actively working on all the items below, this post is just to help me explore these issues in a new way. Plus it provides another glimpse into how my mind works or doesn't work...lol
1) A big part of my personality is my desire to be a "bad ass" (to quote my therapist). I really don't want to be like everyone else. While my name is rather unique and I have a few unique traits, I'm not nearly as different as I like to think I am. However, my weight is an obvious sign to the world that I am not just one of the masses. While rationally this doesn't really make any sense, some deep down part of me seems to believe that if I'm not quite brave enough to rebel in more constructive ways at least I can rebel by being extremely overweight.
2) In the same vein as the "bad ass" desire, I also really, really don't like to be told what to do, especially if the reason is because I'm a female, young, or other such nonsense. The more that people tell me to do something, the less likely I am to do it, even if I rationally know it is in my best interest. I refer to this as my 3 year old streak. Out of this misguided sense of spite, I do alot of things that I know I shouldn't do. I also realize that I would probably be happier if I didn't do them, yet I continue doing them. All of my family and friends and even my boyfriend, have expressed their concerns about my weight. Knowing how I am, they are careful to try to express their concerns without coming across as telling me what to do. Yet my inner 3 year old rises up and sticks out her tongue at them saying "You can't make me do that...I'll show you. You think I'm fat now, I'll show you what fat really is!". I've learned to talk my 3 year old down, but she has very quick reflexes and that spiteful reaction is unfortunately still my default reaction.
3) It might also be that the fear of change has not yet exceeded the pain of being this way. My problem with this theory is that I am good with change in alot of ways. I joined the Peace Corps and moved to Nepal, I'm going to law school to change my career, and I moved to TX and NJ by myself to name a few. However, I am not quite as good with changing me.
4) Saying that I am not good at dealing with my emotions is a major understatement. My therapist noticed that no matter what type of emotional situation I am describing I tend to laugh while I'm doing it. It's like I feel safe talking about emotional stuff only as long as I "cut the tension" with some sort of laugh. Mind you, it's not a deep down belly laugh but more of a nervous giggle. My weight essentially acts as my own personal shield to protect me from emotions. It keeps my feelings in and the "bad stuff" out. To finally lose this weight and keep it off, I'm going to have to come up with more effective ways of dealing with my emotions. Because no matter how much I might want to be Vulcan and not have emotions, I'm not and as a result, I have to deal with those d#mn things.
Well that's enough exploring of the deep dark bowels of my brain. I promise I won't be this serious in all my posts. Thanks for listening/reading. Peace
Showing posts with label weight issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight issues. Show all posts
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
And away we go!
CardioGirl and Natural finally got to me and I've decided to venture into the blogosphere as a blogger and not just blogger wannabe. :)
As you might have picked up over on CG's site, I'm a very big person. Right now, I'm 39 years old, about 290 lbs and only 5'5". Trust me; this is not anywhere I ever planned to be. As a kid I was always a little bigger than most of my friends but not to the degree that I am now. I was tall through 7th grade and probably about 130ish. I was about 165 when I graduated high school. I was always a jock though and a drummer in the marching band. Not the best athlete but I dreamed of being the first woman in the NBA...lol. Quick comment, the doctor told my parent's I should be 5'10" to 6' tall. Yeah right, I hit 5'5" and started growing out instead of up.
I put on some weight in college but never got over 200 and never imagined that I would/could. I probably picked up a little weight during my marriage. My husband would make comments about my weight and try to get me to diet. He had some insane ideas as well. He wanted to control my eating, he would “let” me have a vanilla or strawberry milkshake but not chocolate. There’s only about 20-50 calories difference but it probably had more to do about me only liking chocolate shakes and him wanting to control me. Needless to say, he and I divorced. The next few years are when I put on serious weight.
Regardless of my weight, I've always considered myself a jock. Even now, I still think that way. When I first got up to about 260, I started taking phentermine and signed up for Tae Kwon Do. It was rough at first, but I really enjoyed it. I love being able to beat people up without hurting them...lol Anyway, after about 2 years I got within 2 ranks of my black belt and down to 190ish. I planned to stay there but as it so often goes, things changed. I moved and had to stop TKD. I eventually put back on all that weight and then some, with a lot of ups and downs in between.
Right now, I know I'm dangerously overweight and it does impact my daily life. I notice the glances and reactions of people. I try not to let it bother me but I know it does have an impact. Having to ask for a seat belt extender on a plane is humiliating. Even though the attendants try to be discrete, people still notice. Having to look for chairs without arms and table tops, not booths, at restaurants is not the way I envisioned living. The worst was going to see a local production of HSM with my boyfriend’s nephew and not being able to fit in the balcony seat no matter what I did. It was an old theater and the seat’s were tiny, even average sized people were uncomfortable. I had to give up and ask if there was somewhere else we could sit. I ended up in the handicapped section. I was so humiliated.
I have developed a kind of warped self defense mechanism to deal with my weight (and other) issues. I joke about my weight all the time and constantly put myself down. I guess I am being the fat, jolly sidekick (see I’m even doing it now…lol). After several years of therapy, I’ve started to realize that part of the reason I may be doing this is to essentially make a preemptive strike. If jokes, comments etc are going to be made at least I’m the one making them. I told you it was warped! I’ve noticed that my comments often make other people uncomfortable, yet I still do it. I’ve gotten better but can’t seem to totally get past it.
So now, the question on everyone's mind is “why don't you do something about it?” Well, trying to put some drama into my writing, I will save that for my second post... To be continued.
As you might have picked up over on CG's site, I'm a very big person. Right now, I'm 39 years old, about 290 lbs and only 5'5". Trust me; this is not anywhere I ever planned to be. As a kid I was always a little bigger than most of my friends but not to the degree that I am now. I was tall through 7th grade and probably about 130ish. I was about 165 when I graduated high school. I was always a jock though and a drummer in the marching band. Not the best athlete but I dreamed of being the first woman in the NBA...lol. Quick comment, the doctor told my parent's I should be 5'10" to 6' tall. Yeah right, I hit 5'5" and started growing out instead of up.
I put on some weight in college but never got over 200 and never imagined that I would/could. I probably picked up a little weight during my marriage. My husband would make comments about my weight and try to get me to diet. He had some insane ideas as well. He wanted to control my eating, he would “let” me have a vanilla or strawberry milkshake but not chocolate. There’s only about 20-50 calories difference but it probably had more to do about me only liking chocolate shakes and him wanting to control me. Needless to say, he and I divorced. The next few years are when I put on serious weight.
Regardless of my weight, I've always considered myself a jock. Even now, I still think that way. When I first got up to about 260, I started taking phentermine and signed up for Tae Kwon Do. It was rough at first, but I really enjoyed it. I love being able to beat people up without hurting them...lol Anyway, after about 2 years I got within 2 ranks of my black belt and down to 190ish. I planned to stay there but as it so often goes, things changed. I moved and had to stop TKD. I eventually put back on all that weight and then some, with a lot of ups and downs in between.
Right now, I know I'm dangerously overweight and it does impact my daily life. I notice the glances and reactions of people. I try not to let it bother me but I know it does have an impact. Having to ask for a seat belt extender on a plane is humiliating. Even though the attendants try to be discrete, people still notice. Having to look for chairs without arms and table tops, not booths, at restaurants is not the way I envisioned living. The worst was going to see a local production of HSM with my boyfriend’s nephew and not being able to fit in the balcony seat no matter what I did. It was an old theater and the seat’s were tiny, even average sized people were uncomfortable. I had to give up and ask if there was somewhere else we could sit. I ended up in the handicapped section. I was so humiliated.
I have developed a kind of warped self defense mechanism to deal with my weight (and other) issues. I joke about my weight all the time and constantly put myself down. I guess I am being the fat, jolly sidekick (see I’m even doing it now…lol). After several years of therapy, I’ve started to realize that part of the reason I may be doing this is to essentially make a preemptive strike. If jokes, comments etc are going to be made at least I’m the one making them. I told you it was warped! I’ve noticed that my comments often make other people uncomfortable, yet I still do it. I’ve gotten better but can’t seem to totally get past it.
So now, the question on everyone's mind is “why don't you do something about it?” Well, trying to put some drama into my writing, I will save that for my second post... To be continued.
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